I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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