Plan B is the new Plan A
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't deserve a penis
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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