john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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