I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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