I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
