I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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