she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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