i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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