I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
