the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Randomize
