I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
