omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
