Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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