not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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