I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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