This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My feet surprised me
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