The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
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my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize