R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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