does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.