I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
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It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
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there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.