You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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