I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can't motorboat a personality
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
