I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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