sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think your dad took our porno
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
