: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
