did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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