my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
