I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
