just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I touched a dick in church today
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
