Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.