true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs