Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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