Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
