one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just googled if crying burns calories
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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