She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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