He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
