Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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