I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
