He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
