you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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