the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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