My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
