Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
