you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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