it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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