WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
two words...techno handjob
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
