just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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