Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
