fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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