i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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