My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
