apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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