I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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