Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
