Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
