Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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