When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
