If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
