dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
