i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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