after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
