im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
