Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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